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(The following is a small narrative based on true events.)
It was a cold, gloomy February day when I saw the picket signs piercing the sky, rhythmic, up and down, swaying, all around. Ardent, pinched faces screamed into the deaf air. Six weeks into the semester, and the professors were on strike that threatened to consume the rest of the semester.
From a student aspect, this might be a bit disturbing. I had a choice as I returned home. How would I deal with this situation? Would I merely see loss before me? Would I adopt a hardened, cynical, entitled attitude as a result? Would I project these feelings onto others? Onto fellow students? Adopt all the feelings of injustice? Was I going to allow this event to tarnish my spirit? Was it going to be yet another series of traumas to calcify my heart, enhancing the tumor of bitterness within me?
I clenched my jaw as a small, penetratingly calm voice said to me, “No!”
Temptation into the realms of victimization and drudgery and bitterness evaporated. I decided to not go straight home. I drove onward to the prairie, where I could amble in the reticence and somber beauty of this melancholy season ‘neath a granite-grey sky, listening to that inner voice I had been so long estranged with.
I got out and climbed that first knoll of the swaying prairie. I turned my collar up and absorbed the strange beauty all around. The murmur of the town below dissipated, and I was finally alone. That voice returned to me, “I am opportunity, I am Life itself.”
I needed to find something edifying to fill this void with. I had been struggling for so long with “idle time”, as I saw it. I wanted to run away from stillness, as I perceived it as idle. But really…the truth inside said, “You crave chaos, like an addict, to distract, to consume all your time, because, you are afraid, afraid of doing something bold, something powerful and terrifying, afraid of the dramatic change in your life that you need.”
I needed something better. I could not evaporate into the tide of college life this time, to escape the demons, the troubles that have been fraying my life.
“It is time to give,” the voice said, “I am your Opportunity.”
Suddenly I stopped, and watched, marveling, as a tiny wren balanced delicately on the long, brown stem of a dead, decapitated flower. The beauty of that moment filled my heart. The small almond-brown bird was so tiny and so full of life and joy. Her eye shimmered so brightly, and then, with a gust of wind, she was on the wing, yet again, vanishing.
“I will volunteer, I will exude a positive attitude, I will open my mind up to the whole world of possibility,” I said to myself, “I am not a victim, and I don’t crave vengeance and battle. I seek peace, now. I will go out into the community and do all I can to serve, and find myself again. I am not going to be idle, or bored, I am going to do something of substance. I am going to give of myself. I am going to relinquish judgment. Everyone deserves to be helped. I will help the strangers of this town, and see them as friends, even if they are mean and bitter in return. I cannot go through life this way anymore…I am not a victim. I am not unreliable. I am not sick, and weak. I am strong. I am thriving. It is time to work on myself, and find a comfort with stillness again, and find my purpose in life, again, without fear or narrow-mindedness, without distraction or masochism or victimization. It ends now, I am changing, I have changed.”
These new beliefs overwhelmed me, and I felt an onslaught of intense feeling as I fell to the ground, so cold and lovely, and I cried. Suddenly, opportunities seemed to fly into my mind. I had a future! One of my own making! I could do whatever I wanted with this life! There was hope in doing something creative, innovative, and new with my life. I was no longer a victim. I could do something, anything, for the good of my future, and others. I was so excited, I wanted to kiss that dull, brown earth so frozen beneath me. How enthralling everything seemed. How vibrant and lovely was life, now!
“Is this surrender?” I asked, “Is this acceptance?”
The voice merely said again, “I am opportunity, I am Life itself.”
intense and grabbing.
Ey oh lassie, thank you, loving the encouraging words.
I could sit here all day, reading your wonderfully poetic writing, but then I’d never get anything else done. 🙂
Aloha and oh why thank you! Oh this is an old one. I must write more. Thank you for the encouraging comment, for oozing by- oh so fabulous, many good cheers to you!
Autumn Jade
You haven’t posted anything for a while, so I thought I’d go backwards in time. Who should I find commenting, but my friend AD. hahaha. This was amazing to me because it is almost the exact time I started my blog. I am amazed that more people don’t take the time to go backwards in your blog, but then each post is one that makes me think more than most, and I can’t breeze through them. It is interesting to hear another little part of your story. These blogs become our journal through life. I hope they are with us always. They are our treasures. Focusing on the post here itself, I loved your self-talk. It sounds like you didn’t like being stuffed into the college mold. I didn’t either, but I needed to work, so I finished. The administrative credential was the worst, yet even in the discipline of trudging through some of it, I learned things I would not have tortured myself learning had it not been imposed. Here I veered away from your introspection to my own again. See what your writing does to me? Now, being retired, I have the luxury to explore what I want to explore. Motivation is different, and I spend HOURS doing it. Willingly, happily, studying and learning new things. See I just can’t keep on track here, so I’ll stop. I loved the post!
Haha, I really want to write more of these narrative or story type posts in the future.
This one here is not my own story, it is derived from something that happened to a friend. She was upset over a possible strike and an onslaught of complaints and bitterness followed- I thought to myself how much she had sadly changed over the years. So, I imagined a transformation, and sort of placed myself into the story being her. Some of it is true in reference to the town where I grew up (and my precious prairie). Was a pot-hole pocked town easy to outgrow- petty, gossipy, kvetchy, narrow and dark, I fear.
Ah…college, I have never actually been, sadly, though it has been my ardent goal since I was wee. But alas some life-occurances have thwarted it. I will get there. Closer every day. I’d like to smuggle my way into Berkley one day har har 😉 I wonder if they have rugby, I’d be oh so proud to crash, bash, and assault, I mean play, for them 😉 Perhaps they have hockey…
I adore your comment, it is a post on its own. I am so glad such thoughts come to you after reading one of my blathers. So wonderful. A mingling of minds.
I want to write more, but I am so withered just now. I have been hours at sea every day, swimming miles and miles, and I’m always a bit of a corpse by evening, blast.
Missed you and blog-land. My computer has been abominable. Been working on it for days, still rather poorly. I want to get back on your blog ARG!!!
-Autty Jade
Ok I don’t want you withering away. The weather there must be a lot warmer than it is here! It’s been in the 40s today. Brrrr, not swimming weather. I can’t believe that YOU haven’t been to college! You need to get there. Don’t wait another second. Take a chance come out to Berkeley, get some scholarships. My step-son went there. Loved it. So glad you wrote back Blog-land without Autty is missing a very important piece! It’s truncated. It’s like Swiss cheese. Glad you got your computer to limp along a little bit, anyway! My problem is with the internet service – I’m about at the end of my month of gigabytes and I’ve got 6 more days to go!. The router used up 1 gig today while we were gone! And we only get 15/month!
Oh I will no worries! Yes well this morning I am about to head out, it’s about 60 out, the water is about 68, I think, I am not sure. It does get a bit cool. Need to get a wet-suit shirt at least, and one of those nifty wet-suit caps, haw haw. The past few days it has been abnormally warm but we’re going into a cold front now.
That is depressing about your nasty router! Naughty. Blog-world definitely needs YOU lass!!!! VERY important. I have more sea photos I’d like to post in the coming days. Right now the sun is beginning to melt through the clouds. The emerald, back-lit waves always delight me. So off I go! Toodles for now, will be catching up on your blog soon!!! Cheers,
Autty Jade
Dear Autumn Jade,,,,,I am not sure if I have come to your ‘blog’s beginning’, but that is where I want to be, to not miss a thing and to read everything up to now (2014). I am enchanted and, impressed by your unique voice, your words and your photos. As the days go on I will wander, wade through and over it all.That is not so much a promise, more, I cannot be stopped!
[Thank you so much for your visits to mine].
Aloha dear Gill McGrath! My apologies over this very late reply!
Thank you so much for visiting and having a wee look about. Yes, this was my first post. A friend of mine inspired it. In fact, she was the reason I began this blog.
I am delighted that you have found some enjoyment in the wee posts I have put up now and then.
Thank you so much for this wonderful comment, many smiling cheers indeed,
Autumn Jade
THESE are great words to start a new blog, i wonder will you be doing an “About” page any time soon?
Greetings snowgood! Thanks very much! Oddly enough, I was urged into blogging by the chum this little narrative was inspired by.
I do have a very inconspicuous little “Ahoy” page blended into the background, scowling over the title of this blog, but I do admit it reveals very little…perhaps I should remedy, this, yes…
Thanks so much for drizzling by and bequeathing such kind words! I really enjoyed my recent visit to your blog and look forward to future posts. Jubilant cheers,
Autumn Jade