Tags
Abstract, Abuse, Black and White, Introspection, Loss, Melancholy, Nature, Night Photography, Personal, Photography, Sea, Thoughts, Writing
December. The Sea has cooled, a bit. The sand feels like chilled velvet ‘neath my stumbling toes. Rubigenous seawrack trickles in. The seethe crackles and I suddenly catch a wee glisk of my delitescent Self abiding there in the reflection on the glass sand. It is the meek, quiet one within, the one that harbours all the pain and grief I have ever known.
An intangible being created long ago, and like a gentle chum, has ever-remained. It is there when I go sprawling, overturned, writhing in the spitting sand, rabid wind flinging shards of broken sea glass and shattered scallop shells into my eyes. It flits in and swallows every splinter of chaos, calmly, silently, so I may clamber back to my feet and stagger on. And then, I am reminded, Chaos is a Choice.
This service performed without complaint, little shamrock-infused Soul. Nothing spoken, lurking reticent and Daphnean- alone, without yearning. But I can feel it, ever-present, and am zapped with its vital energy- how can something dormant feel so ardently alive? Is this where Passion is derived? Attitude and Perception? Is this what converts Grief into Peace? Agony into Understanding? Despair into Art?
I amble on, in Memory, gazing through the Abstract: the hum of the fluorescent lights hovering over an infinite hallway; the sharp light polished on the gossamer surface of a muddy puddle; the buzz of a drill in the background, staring up at the pocks in the grey ceiling, tracing constellations of galloping stallions and peculiar faces; and the keening sound of the groaning flowers as they die on the frozen prairie, brushed by the aching wind-
Abstract memory has a way about it, washing things in a thrilling,
pensive kind of melancholy. Even the hideous and the terrifying can become
beautiful. The fracid and sulfuric scent of Death, black-red, sticky on the
sheets, is an oil-painting-flashback, a sad observation. Her vitative laugh, unique and impossible to replicate, is no cultellated recollection, but evokes joy recalling having known such a gorgeous Soul.
There is damage, but no distortion, feeling pain, but no torment; stumbling crippled, but not suffering. The wounded and mangled inner being that smiles coyly through the detritus of childhood abuse, of loss, and pain- I see it in the flicker of a blue shadow, the crunch of a dead leaf, and I know, I can feel it all, euphorically.
It provides Peace. It reveals fragile humanity, even in those others have named Monsters. Understanding comes, fear being vanquished. Is it the breath of Forgiveness? How could it be, if I first do not feel wronged? Compassion and Love, the Beast with Gentle Eyes?
I wander on into the now dark, December night, Sea a distant hum behind me. Christmas lights and stars illuminate the way. I think about my brother, his addiction, our differences. I wonder if he has a hidden Self within to absorb the blows. I have seen him staggering in obscurity- searching for Beauty and relief in drugs, self-esteem in crime, atonement in masochism. I see him for what he is- a beautiful human being, worthy of forgiving himself. Aye, I think of him, as I ooze along, deeper and deeper into the lovely December night.
Beautiful photos!
Thank you!! I had TOO much fun obtaining them!! 😀 Cheers!
Autty Jade
This is great!
Haha, thank you so much!!
Hi,
Very good series, thank you 🙂
Aloha! Ah thank you very much! So glad it was enjoyed. Thank you very much for trickling by and imbibing! Many ebullient cheers,
Autumn Jade
Can I say I cried when I read your soul shaking post? Remember the old song “Stronging my Pain” with Roberta Flack? That song played in my heart when I read your BEAUTIFUL post. I do not understand every word, but I feel every word…
I have been there too, in sorrow and
pain, but so much stronger on the other side.
Life is good, though… 🙂
Btw, your images are absolutely outstanding, and creates that gorgeous beautiful melancholy that I have come to love so much.
ThankYouThankYou ThankYou my friend!
Stay safe
Marie
I don’t know what happened now, my iPad played me a joke…
Can you please edit it down to one comment without the doubles…. 😉
Marie, I was stunned by your first comment, then quite chuckling when I read your second comment, imagining naughty iPad playing nasty trick on the poor human 😉 Edited.
And Thank You!! Your wonderful, tender, insightful comment has touched me deeply!! Aye I put a lot more raw, personal feeling into this entry. I am so elated you found it touching and were able to feel so deeply as I have too.
The part where I especially was tearing up as I wrote was at the end, about of my brother, how he deserves to forgive himself.
Oh yes! I remember that old Roberta Flack song, aye, very fitting. We may now proceed to sob together. Aye life IS beautiful and so groovy, despite what we go through- and YES we come out so much stronger on the other side, indeed!!
I am so glad you also enjoyed the photos. I just love that kind of melancholy beauty, indeed.
Fabulous, fabulous! Oh thank you so much! Many myriad cheers, too many to count, absolutely, and hugs,
Autumn Jade
Thank you for editing…. 😉
Oh no, no sobbing needed, that’s gone. Let’s instead raise our joy for the beautiful things in life… Your photography and poetry are to me a tribute to the beautiful things there is to be found though ache and grief. L O V E your blog! 🙂
Hugs and greetings
Marie
Aye, aye, haha, enough with the wailing and the sobbing! THANK YOU so much! Your words have brought such joy to my briny old heart. Aye, let us embrace the beauty and continue to see it in everything, always, flitting about the smiling prairie sluiced in sunshine where sparrows land on the heads of daisies and the blue-grass soughs in the breeze, or let us meander the cold, snowy plane, where the gorgeous, bare-armed trees cast their slate-blue shadows, long and sniveling, onto the ash-blue snow as the doe retreats, tracks bleeding dark grey in her wake. And now I am rambling, but I’m so glad we may cavort in one another’s blogs, sharing the beauty! TOO grand!!
Hugs and greetings, dear lassie,
Autumn Jade
Thank you! 🙂
btw, your heart is not old, no way, your soul though…
Don’t misread me, an old soul is beautiful, wise and gorgeous! 😉
Oh yes, an old soul indeed!! I imagine it to be very much like the little old lady Jessica Tandy played in a film called “Nobody’s Fool”. Here is a line I love:
Coming out of the hospital with Sully, (her tennant who is trying to convince her he’s rotten and she should find another tennant) she turns and says to him, “Do you still bet on that old horse race of yours every day?” He responds, “The trifecta? Yeah, course. It’s bound to come through sooner or later.”
“Good,” she responds, “That’s exactly the way I feel about you.”
Now there is a film with some melancholy beauty and fragile humanity in it, and very beautiful music- in fact, here is the main song of the film found on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=inNc3fBmDQM&feature=fvsr
Thank you again, cheers and best wishes,
Old Grannie, I mean Autumn Jade 🙂
You have snow. 🙂
Ah ha! You noticed 😉 Thank you for alerting me about it, and thanks for having a look! Cheers!!
Autumn Jade
Autumn Jade,
I sort of want to dwell in your words a while – they are words that spark creativity, ache, beauty, sadness. Life.
Sometimes you go somewhere and it just fills you up. Thank you.
Life is all of these contradictions, but there is richness too.
X
Aye aye!! And it is that richness that makes me sing every dawn (and wake up poor slumbering victims, especially when the cats join in with the sonorous bellowing).
Aye, life is marvelous, so much to appreciate and, especially, to marvel at!! You know what I mean, as I see it in your fantastic, inspiring photography. Your work does that for me- sparks creativity, beauty, sadness, and reveals the richness of life. Inspring! Thank you for skipping by and having a wee look! Cheers,
Autumn Jade
both essay and images quite memorable–especially your self portrait as Sea Foam.
Thank you very much. That is by far my favourite photo. Oh yes, I could live in that moment. Thank you for meandering by and having a look, many cheers,
Autumn Jade
So many lovely moments – I adore “little shamrock-infused Soul”. Thank you.
Haha thank you so much!! Aye, the wee Irish sprite in me had to creep into the story at some point 😉 I am so thrilled you enjoyed it, cheers!!
Autumn Jade
Oh my dear Autumn Jade, I loved every word – even the ones I had to look up. You are brilliant. Even understand the meanings of all the words, can’t unravel the full meaning and feeling behind the esoteric message you send, but the overall feeling of melancholy – yes, some is there, but there is more than sorrow. There is tenderness. There is admiration, I think. Your pictures were not of beautiful things in and of themselves. They were not the Barbie dolls of the scenery world, but the used up, spent, toothless grandparents sitting lonely and broken on a cracked cement step in a garbage infested alley. Yet SOMEHOW you captured the beauty of their spirit, their sacrifices, their joys and love given long ago which left them spent and ignored like the trash that surrounds them. You gave them significance. The last bubble in a wave full of foam. The broken twig of a branch that could hold the weight of its leaves no longer. The seed pods still clinging to the life giving tree after the tree had gone to sleep for the winter and closed its store house of nourishment. You caught their unique glory in the universe. And like your brother, wracked with problems, you see the beauty and glory within him, as he is, unimproved and unchanged. Such love, such depth, such talent you have my dear Autumn Jade.
ok and I posted too soon, too. I got so caught up in the beauty of your post that I didn’t take time to proof read my reply. Please change understand to understanding or put a to in front of it. Let’s see what else I missed!! That will be for the next reader to find. Marsha Lee 🙂
I do not know how I overlooked your extraordinary comments here Marsha! Thank you!!! What a wonderful piece of prose you have written, thank you so much. You have captured the very quiddity of the photos I was depicting, the sorts of photographs I always relate to the most. Your comment is so moving and emotive and eloquent and wonderful, I thank you so much, Marsha! Wonderful!!! Cheers my talented friend,
Autumn Jade
🙂 ML 🙂
Lovely job.
Thanks so much! Appreciate the kind feedback! Thank you for drizzling by, have a grand one,
Autumn Jade
AWESOME!!!
Why thank you! I was very happy with these photos and certainly a bit surprised by the text (seemed to write itself), but thoroughly enjoyed the whole process. Thankful it was liked. Cheers to you and thank you for drizzling by,
Autumn Jade
No problem.
Truly artistic – and the scribe in between.
Black & white has its own charm and which will not ever fade. Really, you’ve captured images of intrigue.
A beautiful piece of writing accompanied by beautiful images.
God! You are b. e. c. o. m. i. n. g whatever you see or feel. And then somehow you are able to remember that scared experience during the human conscious state and are able to translate them into words. Indeed a Gift.